Borderline Personality Disorder

There’s a parasite in my brain,

Like a mosquito,

It drinks away my sanity, humanity and hope.

So that I am left dry

Detached from what makes sense…

And left to question:

Is my personality only disordered?

Or is there some other part of me hidden

That makes me – me.

Waiting to be resurfaced when everything is reordered…?

…If it ever can be.

 

See my insanity works like this –

It is split into two

The first goes like this:

I’m happy, I am, with my whole soul

I’ll laugh and yesterdays sorrows

Won’t hinder my tomorrow

And I’ll dream as write, the thousands of

Bright sparks in my mind,

And I’ll applaud all my friends, for the

Wonderful, beautiful people they are,

And I’ll jitter and joke about every

Thought on my mind

But mind you…

 

I’m miserable. With tears in my eyes.

I’ll cry about last year’s sorrows,

And hope that there’s no tomorrow

As I dream about death and question all

The things I thought I was…

Because now I am blank,

Forsaken and

Empty,

On why I’m even feeling this hollow.

And my friends they are, the worst people on earth,

Who only ever fail me with their ugly words.

And I am alone, with naught to say.

 

Because to say this is normal – is abnormal.

Especially when, without warning,

All this happens within hours.

Within a day: I am both happy and sad,

Not lightly or briefly,

But intensely and indefinitely.

I’m hot and I’m cold,

Clear and confused,

Poor in control

But rich in all that I feel.

But not why or how I come to feel.

And this is all insane.

 

My insanity goes on,

With more than just my mood,

 

The second goes like this:

I love and I hate and I loathe and I care,

But I don’t – not all the time,

Just when I feel fit, and you satisfy me,

 

This can take everything and nothing,

You’ll be my hero and savour

Wear a wreath on your head and act like the God

That I praise you to be, because you are

All that and more to me!

You’re like the sun I strive towards and the

Air – which an asthmatic could never overdose on

But know I will overdose on you and the addictive drug you’ve become.

And feel all my love because when I feel love

I feel it by its whole breadth and depth and

drowning, overwhelming, suffocating

weight.

But wait…

 

I could be infatuated but never truly in love

But it will feel so…

Real.

Don’t be fooled. I doubt it is

Even if I believe it is

Because I will promise you years and then give you days

And Suddenly-

I’m sick,

of you.

 

You – a cruel being, who is insufferable,

And you’re making me suffer;

Something, for which I’ve never asked

And your love,

My love, is too much for me to bare,

And I bare witness that you tried, but it will never be enough,

Because I feel nothing towards you and the sight

Of you, is like dust: dead and deviant

For my heart’s desire.

And it’s not you I desire… I never did.

 

But all this is fairly sane, as love itself

Is untamed. But the problem arises when you,

Leave.

My heart will shatter, its broken shards all techni-coloured,

Illuminating my face with rays of reds and blues.

Black and white.

My estranged lover, you misunderstand:

I’m not telling you to go, but I can’t have you stay,

My actions show: I love you, but, my mouth tells you: I loathe you,

I need you to hug me and hold me, but please my dear,

Don’t touch me.

But I beg you, please love me,

Yet, listen, because I hate you.

So darling, don’t leave me.

I know I am insane.

 

See the bug in my brain is more than borderline insane.

He is in fact, completely inhumane,

He does worse than snatch my happiness away,

Instead he floods me in waves which

Engulfs me.

Becomes me.

Destroys me.

As every mood, emotion and feeling

Comes and Goes In Waves, With Unpredictable Rhythms

Of Which I Have No Control Over,

So they come and go, and they swallow me whole.

They call it Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder.

But really is really just my emotions?

Yes – they go from great to unpleasant,

From joy to grief

And love to hate,

But so do the people in my life,

They stay and they leave,

Care and they don’t.

And so do the dreams that I have,

They wander and wave,

I will and won’t…

So is it really just my emotions

Or should this curse simply be called:

Unstable Life Disorder…

Nerdy Boys? Ft.QuoteV

Hey, hey, hey,

I have come to a realisaition… I have a thing for nerdy boys!?

Let me expand. So it all started in my Computer Science class when my teacher wasn’t in; we basically had a free lesson so my friends and I went on this quiz website which has the most weird, shallow and fun quizzes on there: QuoteV. The quizzes are all made by other users so they’re not accurate or anything but they’re still fun to do. I usually just do personality quizzes or ones that test my knowledge on the things I take interest in such as YouTubers or games or movies.

I saw my friend doing one called “What boys do you attract?”, so I thought I’d do it myself and compare our results, my friend got the ‘sexy athlete’, which was so predictable; I on the other hand… got this:

QuoteV - what type of boy do you attract?To tell you the truth, I was kind of surprised, I didn’t know what to expect but this wasn’t it. Yet somehow it really appealed to me.

Then it hit me!

My dream! (If you haven’t read my last post about a dream I had, then the following may not make sense!) In my dream he was a sort of nerd too; and the part where it says that I catch him, it’s kind of like how I swapped roles with the boy in my dream too? It kind of made me laugh because my dreams usually come true unless they’re about boys, yet this one sort of came true! – Maybe I’m reading into too much but hey, this blog isn’t called ‘introspective’ for nothing!

Since then, I can’t seem to stop thinking about nerdy boys and it just makes me blush more than anything! I even did a few more quizzes and all of them either concluded that I’d be a perfect match for an ‘Emo’ or a ‘Nerd’.

Despite all that though, I really don’t care, I’ve never been a fan of labels. People are people to me, if I like a boy, it’d be because of his personality and because he makes me laugh and smile. I wouldn’t care if he was an athlete, nerd or even a misfit. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it forever more

When you fall in love with someone’s personality, you fall for everything else about them too,

and it’s true. I’ve met girls who thought a certain boy wasn’t perfect or all that great looking, yet after a few months later, fell for their personality and forgot about their initial thoughts about this boy. Because love makes you both blind and dumb (in the nicest way possible).

Mostly, what I’ve learned from this experience is that:

  I really need to sit with a boy and just play ‘Last Of Us’ because it is a  ‘freakin’ epic game.

That’s all for now,

Take care Stalkers, x

 

 

[Bonus round: Personality results]

Screenshot_5 Screenshot_6 Screenshot_9I don’t seem to conform to any stereotype which is pretty cool and at the same time kind of frustrating because that means I have no set clique! – Hence I’m always feeling left out, but I’d never trade my personality in to be ‘apart’, I like being unconventional 😉