There’s a parasite in my brain,
Like a mosquito,
It drinks away my sanity, humanity and hope.
So that I am left dry
Detached from what makes sense…
And left to question:
Is my personality only disordered?
Or is there some other part of me hidden
That makes me – me.
Waiting to be resurfaced when everything is reordered…?
…If it ever can be.
See my insanity works like this –
It is split into two
The first goes like this:
I’m happy, I am, with my whole soul
I’ll laugh and yesterdays sorrows
Won’t hinder my tomorrow
And I’ll dream as write, the thousands of
Bright sparks in my mind,
And I’ll applaud all my friends, for the
Wonderful, beautiful people they are,
And I’ll jitter and joke about every
Thought on my mind
But mind you…
I’m miserable. With tears in my eyes.
I’ll cry about last year’s sorrows,
And hope that there’s no tomorrow
As I dream about death and question all
The things I thought I was…
Because now I am blank,
On why I’m even feeling this hollow.
And my friends they are, the worst people on earth,
Who only ever fail me with their ugly words.
And I am alone, with naught to say.
Because to say this is normal – is abnormal.
Especially when, without warning,
All this happens within hours.
Within a day: I am both happy and sad,
Not lightly or briefly,
But intensely and indefinitely.
I’m hot and I’m cold,
Clear and confused,
Poor in control
But rich in all that I feel.
But not why or how I come to feel.
And this is all insane.
My insanity goes on,
With more than just my mood,
The second goes like this:
I love and I hate and I loathe and I care,
But I don’t – not all the time,
Just when I feel fit, and you satisfy me,
This can take everything and nothing,
You’ll be my hero and savour
Wear a wreath on your head and act like the God
That I praise you to be, because you are
All that and more to me!
You’re like the sun I strive towards and the
Air – which an asthmatic could never overdose on
But know I will overdose on you and the addictive drug you’ve become.
And feel all my love because when I feel love
I feel it by its whole breadth and depth and
drowning, overwhelming, suffocating
I could be infatuated but never truly in love
But it will feel so…
Don’t be fooled. I doubt it is
Even if I believe it is
Because I will promise you years and then give you days
You – a cruel being, who is insufferable,
And you’re making me suffer;
Something, for which I’ve never asked
And your love,
My love, is too much for me to bare,
And I bare witness that you tried, but it will never be enough,
Because I feel nothing towards you and the sight
Of you, is like dust: dead and deviant
For my heart’s desire.
And it’s not you I desire… I never did.
But all this is fairly sane, as love itself
Is untamed. But the problem arises when you,
My heart will shatter, its broken shards all techni-coloured,
Illuminating my face with rays of reds and blues.
Black and white.
My estranged lover, you misunderstand:
I’m not telling you to go, but I can’t have you stay,
My actions show: I love you, but, my mouth tells you: I loathe you,
I need you to hug me and hold me, but please my dear,
Don’t touch me.
But I beg you, please love me,
Yet, listen, because I hate you.
So darling, don’t leave me.
I know I am insane.
See the bug in my brain is more than borderline insane.
He is in fact, completely inhumane,
He does worse than snatch my happiness away,
Instead he floods me in waves which
As every mood, emotion and feeling
Comes and Goes In Waves, With Unpredictable Rhythms
Of Which I Have No Control Over,
So they come and go, and they swallow me whole.
They call it Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder.
But really is really just my emotions?
Yes – they go from great to unpleasant,
From joy to grief
And love to hate,
But so do the people in my life,
They stay and they leave,
Care and they don’t.
And so do the dreams that I have,
They wander and wave,
I will and won’t…
So is it really just my emotions
Or should this curse simply be called:
Unstable Life Disorder…